This guide is to show Whitakers how to deal with a crisis when it all goes wrong.
These catch-all responses have been proved through extensive usage to be highly effective.
1. Procedures have changed since then
This implies that the you are so brilliant that you’ve sorted it all out. It also distances you from the issue; “It’s ancient history“.
2. We need more staff
Turn the problem into a way of expanding your empire.
3. We need a new computer system
Everyone knows that, even when it’s working correctly, a computer is never working correctly. Ergo, saying you need a new computer system shifts the blame onto the computers [not you]. Getting a new system will require more staff and money so, again. it’s an opportunity to expand your empire.
x. We will learn from this
This should only be used as a last resort such as when there’s been death. This is not an admission of guilt but implies some sort of contrition and fits neatly as an introduction into items 2 & 3.
In December last year Google said they were going to knock Google + on the head.
Guess what, on April 2, they’re going to knock Google + on the head.
This rival to, the evillFacebook, unfortunately never really got off the ground. However, if you used it, you’re now screwed. Google, who only make a measly £100, 000, 000 a day, can’t really afford to carry on running this service. They could have set up a “Go Fund Me” page but didn’t.
“On April 2nd, your Google+ account and any Google+ pages you created will be shut down and we will begin deleting content from consumer Google+ accounts. Photos and videos from Google+ in your Album Archive and your Google+ pages will also be deleted. You can download and save your content, just make sure to do so before April. Note that photos and videos backed up in Google Photos will not be deleted.
If you’re a Google+ Community owner or moderator, you may download and save your data for your Google+ Community. Starting early March 2019, additional data will be available for download, including author, body, and photos for every community post in a public community.
If you sign in to sites and apps using the Google+ Sign-in button, these buttons will stop working in the coming weeks but in some cases may be replaced by a Google Sign-in button.
If you’ve used Google+ for comments on your own or other sites, this feature will be removed from Blogger by February 4th and other sites by March 7th. All your Google+ comments on all sites will be deleted starting April 2, 2019“.
I met a bloke the other day who’d gone out and bought himself a Range Rover. Naturally, I asked him; “How much does it cost to change a light bulb in that then?”
He replied; “A thousand pound“.
His swift response means that he’d already researched this issue [ie looked on the web]. This illustrates the fact that it’s becoming widespread knowledge that changing a bulb in a car is one of the most horrendous and expensive issues you can encounter in life.
I had a Rover 75. Bulb went. Replaced the bulb.
I had a Volvo V70: Headlamp went: two days and nearly a nervous breakdown. When the rear bulb went I consulted You Tube. The bloke on there had the whole back-end panels off just to get to it. I thought “What an idiot“. However, as a precaution, I took it to a garage. When I went to see them working on it they had the whole back-end panels off just to get to it.
An acquaintance [‘got no friends] told me he took his Citroen in and said “Can you change the front side lamp, please“. They said he’d have to leave it for two days because the entire front section had to come off. Instead he took it home and promptly spent two whole days working on it. He refused to take the entire front section off. However, the only way he could get the bulb in was to put his car on ramps and get his daughter [small hands] to actually fit it.
What is it with these idiots who design cars. Bulbs do fail. Or, is it some sort of con? Like so many jobs nowadays, if you can’t do it that qualifies you to do it.
Whilst going on about Range Rovers: I was at a garage and a fairly recent Range Rover was in there with its engine on the floor. When I asked I was told that some part or other has to be replaced every 60,000 miles and the only way to get to it was to take the engine out. If I was to buy a used car and was told its engine had been on the floor – I wouldn’t buy it, even if it was, or especially if it was, less than two years old.
Leading proponents of fake & yellow news, the BBC, have been bleating on about the potential plight of the poor old Spanish producers of tomatoes.
Because the British are as mad as hell, and are not going to take this anymore, Spain will be stuck in the EU [idiots] whilst Britain will not [geniuses]. This means, by the time their tomatoes have travelled thousands of miles through Spain and France and been delayed by an hour or so at the new EU customs border, they may be ripe or even a bit squishy.
You’d think the BBC would be pleased as this Spanish enterprise is committing two of the crimes against humanity the BBC target the most: Global warming [driving about in lorries] and killing people [driving about in diesel lorries].
Firstly, it’s winter, in the past we ate tomatoes in the summer because that was the season for them. Secondly, we used to buy locally produced tomatoes or, the famous, Jersey tomatoes. All that was killed off by the EU. The solution to all this is to buy locally produced tomatoes or, the famous, Jersey tomatoes: who cares about Spain?
If it all ends in tears and we can’t have tomatoes in the middle of winter then who cares? It’s not the end of the world [except for the BBC].